BACK ON MY BETEZE
OCT 23
3:55 AM
What can happen in 18 months? In 18 months, most businesses are just finally crossing over the growth and profit threshold. Babies are navigating the newly discovered emotions of frustration, guilt, and shame. Homeowners lose forbearance eligibility. Masters theses begin finalization, and credit scores can bounce back in full. For me, I secured a degree and job, rebuilt relationships with loved ones, learned a lot about my capabilities under pressure, and went up, then down, a bra size :((.
I’m not one to have regrets. On the rare occasion that I experience the feeling, I’m certainly not one to admit it. With all the life lived in the past 18 months, one thing is for sure: my only regret is letting Beteze remain idle for so long. I never stopped writing. I wouldn’t know how to do that. But I did let other matters take precedence over something I genuinely enjoyed doing.
The end of my previous life seemed as if it began slowly, then picked up speed until the last suitcase was tossed in the car. Poof. Done. With that concluding door slam, I left the environment, state of mind, and people that contributed to my survival and comfort.
That being said, prolonging a “comfortable” scenario or period to avoid change does not entice me whatsoever. I learned recently that when a major shift is sensed, I’d rather run toward it, full steam ahead. Lingering, for me, does more damage than jumping at the next move and looking back only after I’ve landed. Well, I landed. Countless other landings await me, preceded by countless more leaps. And I must say, this shit feels good.
The most valuable lessons learned in the past 18 months were experienced personally, which is fairly new. As someone predated by 3 older siblings within close age, my privilege lies in the option to sit back, watch them live their lives, and pick up pointers; making growing pains a little bit more bearable. This time around, I found myself firsthand in situations I had witnessed my family members and friends experience themselves. Knowing what I know now, I’ll give them props forever. To put it lightly, I am not Michelle Obama - YET. Choosing to go high in stress-inducing, perspective-altering, and lowdown circumstances is much, much, harder than others make it look.
Even still, I am proud of the decisions made. Finally possessing the ability to look back and appreciate why things happen the way they do, no matter how brash and emotional, and foreign they may have appeared is a great feeling. I respect myself much more for it. I promised myself to take accountability for the role I played in the outcome of a situation, make a note to do better in the future, and move on. Acknowledging the courage it takes to jump to such a new reality, not totally sure of what would await you, makes you feel a little more ready for the long life that awaits.
For now, I’m just maintaining and making money. Call this an attempt or a rough draft. I’m in the process of figuring out how to make my subconscious vision and internal voice sound alive. Trying new shit, taking notes, and laughing to myself when I realize it's not my thing is the new normal. I don’t know exactly what is in store for me, admittedly. What I do know is that 18 months from now, I'll be on some shit that none of us, myself included, could anticipate. Rest assured, I am 100%, wholeheartedly ready to face whatever and whoever challenges me. I’m overflowing with purpose. I’m obsessed with stability in all its forms. I’m better and I’m smarter. I’m back on my Beteze.
-JK