WHAT-IFS, WHATNOTS, AND THE DEPENDENCY PARADOX
FEB 13
2:46 AM
Misery is in the air. It must be February.
Every time this year, we come painfully close to a very important conversation before it gets diluted by our regular hot takes and frequent trends. Accompanied by demoralizing weather and the not-so-settled-in feeling that can only be typical this far into a new year, it’s truly a shitty time. Valentines Day’s positioning right in the middle almost seems strategic. Our longstanding battle with attachment as humans is continuously grazed over, lightly referenced in humorous posts, veiled conversations, and NBA Youngboy lyrics.
Contrary to what most think pieces and Twitter threads will have you believe, humans are naturally codependent. I felt it was important to start with that, considering the denial we all witness (and participate in?) If you haven’t noticed, we have been moving into a new reality that values independence and a focus inward, even to the chagrin and detriment of those around us. Dependency is steadily being associated with deficiency, leaving those that are operating within their innate inclinations to feel abnormal and inferior.
I fell prey to this mindset. It wasn’t too long ago that I made a personal commitment to self-reliance, partly due to internal waves of disgust when dealing with others in any capacity. Over winter break, I was given a book about fundamental attachment styles. These attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and secure) exposed me to an even more interesting concept.
The dependency paradox details the scope of independence a person can achieve when allowed to depend on those around them. Simply put, the more dependent one is on those that are dear to them, confident in their connection and accepting of their dependence, the more independence they experience.
The dependency paradox answers just about every question I could think of when examining our plight. As complex as it sounds, the logic is quite simple. Of course, feeling secure in important areas will prompt one to go out and explore, excited to see what else is out there.
Doesn’t this make you wonder how our interactions would improve if we were to all accept this? Sure, the ‘self-sufficients’ and individualists would suddenly find themselves in possession of a lot of free time, but what about the rest of us? What if we actually leaned on each other? What if we didn’t look at the very thing that makes us human as a weakness? I don’t just mean with our closest friends and family. That’s the easy part. When our people rely on each other, the possibilities are literally endless.
Acknowledging the relationships I have now, even the failures, as stepping stones for the rest of my life was liberating. I am not self-made. Without the love and support of my friends and family, I would never make it to where I am, let alone feel confident enough to go out and do what I think I’m meant for. I won’t be made to feel wrong or weak for needing that as security when navigating this world.
What-ifs aren’t cutting it. Our world is changing fast and our greatest weapon is being degraded and debated on clubhouse. Instead of fighting against our own nature, we should capitalize on it. Or else, what’s the point?
- JK